Toxic Behaviours That Make Your Adult Children Resent You
Unsplash No parent intends to harm their relationship with their child. But even with the best intentions, some behaviours persist from your child’s younger years that can erode the bond as they become adults. It’s tough to recognize our own role in the dynamic, but it’s the first step to healing the relationship. Here are some common behaviours that fuel resentment in adult children:
1. Treating them like they’re still a child, regardless of their age
It’s hard to let go of that protective parenting instinct! But if you constantly micromanage your adult child’s life, question their decisions, or treat them like they’re incapable, it sends a message that you don’t see them as competent adults. Respect their autonomy, even if it means they’ll learn from their own mistakes.
2. Constant unsolicited advice, even when they don’t ask
Your adult child knows you have a lifetime of wisdom, but there’s a fine line between offering support and being overbearing. Unsolicited advice, especially about choices they feel confident in, indicates you don’t trust their judgment. Wait for them to ask for your input before chiming in.
3. Making everything about you
When every conversation loops back to your health woes, your problems, or your opinions, it leaves little space for your adult child’s life. They need to feel heard and valued, not just like an audience for your experiences. Ask about their lives with genuine interest, and actively listen without turning it into a comparison with your own past.
4. Constant criticism and negativity, with few compliments
If your go-to mode is pointing out flaws, critiquing their choices, or expressing disappointment, it creates a climate of disapproval. Even adult children crave their parents’ love and acceptance. Make a conscious effort to balance criticism with genuine praise and expressions of pride in their accomplishments, even small ones.
5. Guilt-tripping them to get what you want
Phrases like “After all I’ve done for you!” or using emotional manipulation to make them feel obligated to visit, help out, or change their plans creates a toxic dynamic. A healthy relationship is based on mutual love, not a debt to be repaid forever.
6. Using their adult achievements to brag to others, making it about YOU
While it’s natural to be proud of your kids, there’s a line between celebrating them and using them as an extension of yourself. If every conversation about their job promotion or happy relationship becomes about how it makes YOU look good, it chips away at their sense of pride and ownership over their accomplishments.
7. Overly intrusive “help” that they see as meddling
Wanting to help is natural, but there’s a fine line between helpfulness and taking over. Offering to assist with a major move? Great! Showing up uninvited to reorganize their apartment? That’s crossing a boundary. Good intentions don’t erase the feeling of being disrespected and infantalized.
8. Minimizing their problems or comparing them to your own
When your adult child confides in you, don’t dismiss their struggles with “Everyone goes through that” or try to one-up them with a story about how you had it harder. It invalidates their feelings. Listen with empathy, acknowledging that their experience is uniquely their own, even if you don’t fully relate.
9. Playing favorites among the siblings
Even adults are sensitive to perceived favoritism. Whether it’s lavishing one sibling with praise while criticizing another, or having different sets of rules for different kids, it creates resentment and fuels sibling rivalry that can last a lifetime.
10. Bringing up past mistakes or embarrassing childhood stories
We all have embarrassing moments we’d like to bury! Constantly teasing your adult child about past mishaps, especially in front of others, is hurtful and belittling. Let them move on from their past without you continually dredging it up.
11. Expecting them to drop everything to cater to your needs
While it’s natural to want your children to be there for you, they have their own lives, jobs, and families. Assuming they’re always at your beck and call breeds resentment. Remember, respect is reciprocal – if you respect their boundaries, they’re more likely to want to spend time with you.
12. Refusing to apologize or admit when you’re wrong
Parents aren’t infallible, yet many struggle to admit mistakes. Owning up when you’ve said something hurtful or acted unfairly shows your adult child you value the relationship more than maintaining a false image of perfection. This models healthy conflict resolution and encourages them to do the same.
13. Boundary violations disguised as concern
Prying into their love lives, interrogating them about finances, or dropping in unannounced “just to check up” sends a message that you don’t trust their decisions or respect their privacy. Healthy boundaries are essential in adult relationships, even with your kids.
14. Expecting them to uphold your values, traditions, or lifestyle choices… or else
Your adult child has the right to forge their own path, even if it diverges from yours. Trying to force them into a mold they’ve outgrown – whether it’s religious beliefs, career choices, or relationship styles – will only push them away. Accepting them for who they are is the foundation of unconditional love.
