Things Everyone Gets Wrong About Narcissists

The term “narcissist” gets thrown around a lot, but how much do we really understand about narcissistic personality disorder? It’s more complex than the stereotype of a loud, egotistical villain. Here are some of the most common myths that are due for debunking because they’re just not true.

1. All narcissists are loud, arrogant braggarts.

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We often picture narcissists as the stereotypical egotistical show-offs. While this type of “grandiose narcissism” does exist, WebMD explains, there’s another, often overlooked form called “vulnerable narcissism.” These people may appear insecure, hypersensitive to criticism, and seek constant validation or sympathy. It’s a quieter expression of narcissism but no less manipulative or detrimental to relationships.

2. Narcissists are incapable of feeling empathy.

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While people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) certainly have impaired empathy, it’s usually not completely absent. They might have flashes of cognitive empathy (understanding another’s perspective intellectually) but struggle with genuine emotional empathy (feeling what the other person is feeling). This distinction is important, as it helps explain how they can use feigned empathy as a manipulative tool.

3. A narcissist is simply someone who’s full of themselves.

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It’s easy to mistake confidence for arrogance or toss around the term “narcissist” to describe anyone slightly self-absorbed. True Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a complex mental health condition diagnosed by professionals. It involves a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a desperate need for admiration, an exploitative approach in relationships, and underlying insecurity. NPD is much more than simple vanity.

4. Narcissists know exactly what they’re doing and enjoy hurting others.

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Their manipulative and hurtful behavior is often so calculated that it’s tempting to demonize them as intentionally cruel. However, many of their harmful actions stem from deep-rooted insecurities and a distorted sense of entitlement. While they are accountable for their actions, the motivation isn’t always purely malicious but fueled by a need to maintain control and a sense of superiority.

5. Deep down, narcissists are miserable people.

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We might assume their manipulative behavior comes from a place of inner misery they’re trying to mask. In reality, people with NPD often experience a sense of grandiosity that can buffer them from true self-awareness. Their inability to genuinely connect with others creates loneliness and dissatisfaction, but it’s rarely a conscious source of distress.

6. Narcissists can never change.

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Narcissistic Personality Disorder is notoriously difficult to treat and change is unlikely without the person sincerely wanting it and committing to long-term, specialized therapy. However, it’s inaccurate to say it’s absolutely impossible. Some people with NPD, if motivated enough, might develop more self-awareness and learn to manage some of their most destructive behaviors.

7. Narcissists are always highly successful, outgoing people.

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We might associate narcissism with charismatic leaders, high-profile CEOs, or charming social butterflies. However, many people with NPD battle crippling insecurities masked by their external presentation. They might be socially anxious, perform poorly in the workplace due to criticism sensitivity, or struggle to maintain any semblance of a successful outer façade, despite their need to feel superior.

8. Everyone who hurts you or has toxic traits is a narcissist.

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It’s understandable to want answers about a dysfunctional or harmful relationship, and the label “narcissist” readily provides an explanation. However, other personality disorders, mental health struggles, or simply being an inconsiderate person can lead to harmful relationship patterns. It’s essential to avoid armchair diagnosing and focus on recognizing red-flag behaviors rather than assigning labels without professional input.

9. Narcissists are born that way, and their behavior is all about nature vs. nurture.

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While genetics play a role in predisposition to personality disorders, upbringing and environment are also significant contributing factors. Often, people with NPD have experienced childhoods characterized by extremes – either excessive indulgence or emotional neglect and lack of validation. These experiences contribute to the distorted sense of self and need for control that are core to narcissism.

10. You can “fix” a narcissist with love and support.

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It’s tempting to believe your unconditional love can heal even the deepest wounds. Unfortunately, true change requires a narcissist to want and actively work towards it. It’s more realistic to focus on setting boundaries to protect yourself than trying to shoulder the burden of changing someone who cannot or will not change for you.

11. Victims of narcissistic abuse are always weak or codependent.

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Narcissists are adept at targeting anyone with qualities they envy – intelligence, compassion, or success. Blaming victims for the abuse or assuming they are fundamentally weak reinforces harmful stereotypes. It’s important to remember that even confident, highly capable people can succumb to narcissistic manipulation over time, and being targeted is never the victim’s fault, The Mend Project points out.

12. Going “no contact” is the only way to recover from narcissistic abuse.

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“No contact” is often essential to prevent further harm and emotional manipulation. But recovery is a deeply personal journey. If true “no contact” isn’t feasible (due to shared children, workplace situations, etc.), it is possible to heal while utilizing “limited contact” strategies, combined with strong boundaries and extensive self-care.

13. Narcissists are all-powerful, and you have no control if targeted by one.

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Narcissistic abuse can leave you feeling helpless and trapped. However, it’s crucial to remember that knowledge is power. Understanding the patterns, manipulation tactics, and vulnerabilities of those with NPD empowers you to create a response strategy that prioritizes your own well-being. Taking back control, even in small ways, is a significant step towards healing.